Against the Wind

Seems that Mother and God have come to terms.  Last night Mother breathed her last near midnight.  It was a very peaceful death, my brothers and I were there walking with her as far as we could go.  Once she left us, we were able to give one another some consolation.  

It probably would go without saying that none of us slept terribly well.   But we all hit this day at 90, and got an outline of plan for a memorial service (1 pm at OMM in Tulsa) moved her personal effects out of the room in the nursing facility, met with the funeral director at Floral Haven and hopefully will rest better tonight. 

I’ve sorted through in my head a bit more about who my Mother was, and some of the outline of her life.  I hope to have time to rewrite a few times before Saturday, but what I’ve done tonight is sort of a Reader’s Digest version of some of the high/low points of her life.  As in any life, there were hopes and dreams, some abandoned, moments of joy, and an honest effort to be “who God intended her to be.”  She found much joy in her later years doing memoirs, playing music, corresponding with many many people.   She enjoyed people and collected friends. 

As is my usual, I find myself as I write, so summarizing some aspects of Mother’s life… in the limited way one person can do for another, has helped me.  Some of the numbness wore off in walking with my neice Molly after dinner tonight.  Tonight, I know Mother has moved from the duties, fears and tears toward the joy of acceptance in God’s hands. 

In the words of Charlie from Winfield… we’re going sing us some “bulldozer-for-Christ Protestant hymns” or at least sing what Mother chose… and remember.   It’s a loss.  It was a full life.  God bless us everyone.

I had nearly arrived back in Norman (after a pleasant chat with a member of Luther, OK’s constabulary) when Robert called to say, “Dana feels Mother won’t make it through the night.” 

When I left, Mother was writhing with itches, moaning and mostly miserable.  I was reassured that this was not a typical allergic reaction to morphine… but whatever it’s a reaction to, it’s using up a great deal of what little strength Mother has left.  That’s what we see.

Those who know Mother will understand that what I see is something else entirely.  Mother will pass through this night and well into tomorrow.  You see, she’s found her camp site, and is negotiating with God on the best deal.  I think they’ve just about come to terms on that, but Mother will have to park her caravan, and readjust the angles, parking and reparking until she has it parked with the morning sun at the proper angle, the cross breeze precisely to her liking, and easy access to the port o lets.  I’m thinking that’s going to take us into tomorrow or beyond.  She has little use for those of us on this side, and the negotiating is fast and furious.  This is all on God and Mother’s time schedule, not ours. 

Meanwhile, poor brother Dana is getting very little sleep, is still trying to earn a living and keep all the women in his life juggled out correctly.  Robert is hoping that “good enough for government work” means that what has to be done for Wednesday might be acceptable sometime next week.  His stimulus is coming from Tulsa at this time.  I just keep running up and down the road through Edmond, Arcadia, Luther, Stroud, Chandler and many many others enough to know better than to run through that thicket of bushes inside the city limits of Luther at a cool clip of 70 mph.  Exceding the speed limit by 15+ mph might have been a hefty fine, but the peace officer decided that grandmotherly figures don’t run though tangles of weeds that pretend to be a city just to piss off the local constabulary.  Whew… that was going to be expensive!  There are advantages to being a granny?   But for the grace of God, and the kindness of a local revenue enhancer, I would have paid much more for the commute than all the turnpike tolls.   So next time you’re in Luther, stop and buy a soda for me…  I know I will.

And I hope Mother and the Almighty come to terms here pretty soon.  Maybe He’ll even give up, and let her write some new chapters in her book?

Ghandi, or some other person who is accepted as a sage said one of the seven deadly sins is worship without sacrifice.  Hmmmm… there’s a blogpost there but for now I’ll leave it to leaven.

I’m 20 minutes late leaving for Tulsa, and have decided to make it a full thirty!  Guess I’ll try posting a photo I took yesterday at OMM with Mother.  Not happening.  I lept a couple of hurdles, but somehow I’m not allowed to write where the automated sender is sending my photo.  One last shot.  Still no. 

So it’s US 66 from OKC to Tulsa for me.  I refuse to drop $50 on turnpike fees this week. 

I’ll let you know if we wore Mother completely out yesterday.  She was constantly concerned about getting her computer set up yesterday.  Dana is not for lying to her.  Robert told her we’d set it up as soon as she could get out of bed to use it.  She said, “I’m not just staying here!”  in reference to her bed.  So she is lying to herself.  But that’s the way she best functions for now.  Don’t know if she realizes the boys have taken over her accounting and care.  Magical thinking.  Maybe it’s God’s gift to the truly infirm.

I do hope not to encounter this! From Dec. 11, while driving from home to Pearl River at 8 am, I thought I was in a snow globe, it was so pretty. We don’t see that much around here. I just stood out in the snow and smiled.

An addendum now at the top.. just to show I’m not wholly consumed by Mother’s ill health.

Dr Sanity has started writing again pretty regularly, and today she’s thinking it may soon be time to organize another “Tea Party.”

“Making people…better”, i.e., eliminating fundamental aspects of human nature, is every tyrant’s wet dream, because it offers unlimited potential to exert power over others.

Uh Oh!  Linda’s alligators may have taken a bite out of her tail. 

Dana was in and out of OMM all day yesterday, and found Mother to be having one of the best days she’s had in a few.  He sent frequent reports.  Mother was conscious and communicating at all three meal times, though not sure where she was.  By dinner time I surmise, she wanted to watch “that movie with Bogart going down the river.”  She couldn’t put her hands on “African Queen.”  That’s only fair, because Dana couldn’t find the DVD any more than she could find the title.  So when Dana left, she was watching and dozing to “Meet me in St. Louis.” 

I’m still not a week ahead, but the school calendar has helped me there.  Friday is the last day before a week long break.  So I’ve got to get a test written for PRH, and I’m done here in Chalmette.  But attendence was good enough on the last day before the Mardi Gras break that I didn’t have enough papers to pass out.  Today, one of my students told me it was end of class time 30 minutes early.  She was tickled about me writing about her comment on her work that she was “Too cute.”  So when she tried to run us out of class early, I called, her “SLIME”   Cute slime, but slime nonetheless.  The class thought the whole thing was reasonably funny and I got my amusment!  I’m really having way too much fun teaching these classes. 

I’ve got a link or two and a photo which I’ll add later.  I’m typing this during office hours at Nunez, which I’ll probably cut short by a few minutes.  But at least I’m staying happy, staying calm.  It’s a continuous struggle.  I fear I’m not doing this passage easily.  And it makes me fear that I’ll not do well when it’s my turn to die.  Seems like the ultimate gift to give the kids is to fight the last fight bravely.  I just hope I can.  It’s all I have to offer anymore.  

Robert’s having a time untangling Mother’s bookkeeping for the last few months.  I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that it’s not in the greatest of form.  I totally sympathize… I hate asking for help, and keeping her books and records straight is one thing she could do, and was careful to allot time to doing.  So one thing that had been worrying her was getting the 2008 records to her accountant.  It was  maybe a bit overdue, having Robert, our MBA, take over some of the bookkeeping!  His comment is that her hits and misses in the last couple months “would break your heart to see.”

I’m thinking that I don’t have the emotional resources to deal well with the valley I’m walking.  I’m fighting depression with every resource I can find… except the pharm approach which seems counter productive.  I do believe I need to walk the valley I’m in to get through to the other side.  My approach.  Here’s hoping I have it about right for me.  So, I try to second guess Dana, Robert, and the Doctor on the timing and significance of the fight my mother is fighting. 

In order to start class today, I had to solicit some jokes or funny stories, just because I’m having trouble doing what needs to be done.   That depression thing, I know.  But a student stayed after class and wanted to know what we could do to get him into a more advanced class.  He’s doing a dual enrollment at Chalmette High.  Normally, that would be an enjoyable challenge.  For now, it’s just extra work.  But I’ll try to do something to give him a challenge for Wednesday. 

I’ve found some fabrics in my stash that might work with Deb’s RR top.  It’s again, so beautiful that I don’t want to do something too far out the box.  But I don’t see how I can do something that’s right in line with the two bits I got either.  This one is a puzzlement.  It has a total of 4 fabrics in it, but I’m thinking it’s going to take a scrappy turn, this round. 

I’m heading home to walk.  That is a great mood elevator, and an appetite depressor.  So after walking and maybe a haircut, I’ll be ready to face the rest of the day?

So, now a photo or two.. and to do with quilting. They were both taken Dec 1. A clue as to how far behind I am in doctoring photos. The first is run through a filter called “posterize” because I want to hold those colors for a palette. Who knows when someone will just tap me on the shoulder out of the blue and say, “Say, you look like someone who could put together a palette and some graphics and make a fabric line.” It could happen, right? And I’m ready with the two base colors. Something in brown right between… an average of the red brown and the very dark brown, and the bright pink in this photo.

The second is the medallion for this years RR that I sent off to Janet in Houston. The medallion is now in Salt Lake City, so I don’t feel too bad about posting it…. it’s been available for everyone to see already. “Sniff” I don’t get to see them until they arrive at my door.. so if anyone wants to give me a preview or a review of something after I’ve added, it’s ok with me. Really! In fact a round of of photos after each round would be fun. Just my point of view.

But leaving you a wonderful little clip from the tele. FRIENDS. Flight of the Conchords

Sunday and I’ve not blogged for a good while. I returned from Tulsa one week ago. Three days were spent catching up. Thursday and Friday afternoons I declared as mental health days. Blogging never seems to have made it on the list of things to do to buy some mental health. I have been praying a lot. Tuesday, BBD (Big Brother Dana) informed me that Mother would not likely live long enough to be transported from St. Francis palliative care ward to the skilled nursing ward at Oklahoma Methodist Manor, where she has lived for the last eight years or so. Today, he calls to ask if I want the phone to ring in the middle of the night. (Yes I do.) Living in dread of phone calls is not a happy circumstance. This is where I live. Robert feels like Mother is rallying. But she was never able to call me. I shall be missing my Saturday chats with Mother. Do I dare hope there will ever be another?

My brothers and I had a conference call today trying to sort out action plans and contingencies. All our contingencies depend on God, who is acting on His own schedule.

This photo is from when we visited over Thanksgiving. It’s a four generation shot with Mother, Me, Tara and Cameron.

My SOTC (Sisters of the Cloth) sent their round robins flying last week. I think the one headed to Slidell was the slowest. I was about to panic, but it showed up today, and I’ve got another project to work on. Truly I have no idea what to do with this. Deb included her fabrics, and Connie added some yardage. I’ll have to see what I can come up with in terms of a design for an addition. But it’s so beautiful hanging in my bedroom where I can study it as I go to sleep, and again when I awaken, I know I’ll come up with something. I don’t really have many chances to ask the local quilt guilt gals what they think, because the Monday bee in the library is preempted by President’s day tomorrow, and by Mardi Gras the following week. That’ll be half of the time I have to get this thing finished, and I’ll need to start before then.

I’ll continue to dance gingerly through the days as they come, jumping every time I see a phone call from Oklahoma. I can only hope your St. Valentine’s was celebrated as you would enjoy. No celebration here. I gave the boys some presents. Mother used to use an 8″ circle and an 8″ square to make a big flat heart cake to decorate. But I don’t need cake around these parts. I eat too much for comfort, and I will probably regain everything I lost before the wedding if I don’t get back to being careful about my intake.

I just laughed at Gail and Linda’s exchanges in comments. Thanks all. I do have some very caring, and special friends! Linda, be careful about that “raising of the dead” stuff. You could be in greater demand than a good medium! Love yas!

Thanks to everyone who has offered concern and prayers.  I’ve got some great friends and family.  Nita just called, and she tried to leave a comment here, but couldn’t.  The phone call was nice though.  Cousin Jim came by and we went for a big hamberger for lunch.  Goldie’s still serves a mighty fine burger.  He’s ready to persue an interest in photography, and is looking to get a camera.  I’m excited to hear that, because I certainly have enjoyed my photography interest.  I hope he’s out experimenting with my camera this evening.   I’ve found it a great way to deal with some of the troubles that have come my way.  Could work for Jim as well!

Coronary ICU at St. Francis has its own rhythms.   This morning I went at 6 as usual, hoping to meet mother’s primary doc.  They told me I was not supposed to be there, thank you.  Visiting hours begin at 8.  They didn’t run me off, but did make it clear that I was off limit.  Turns out it’s 6 - 8 both am and pm that are shift change and folks are to get off the floor.  I had it just backward last night as well. 

My faith in the doctors is about restored.  They decided that maybe more attempts at this treatment pulling the liquid out of her system is not the way to go.  Too much mining for veins involved, too much risk for too little return. 

When they ran me off at 6, Mother was as alert as she has been in the last 24 hours.  She’s concerned about financial issues,  how long she’s been there, why is she sleeping all the time.  Anyway, I’ll go back in a few minutes and stay with her.  If she’s alert I’ll hang around a while.  If not, I’ll come back and bunk. 

On a much lighter note, if I remember correctly, Tara is off to interview for her spot at LSU on Monday.  I’m sure pulling for her, as this seems to be the direction she truly wants to go. 

So enough typing.  I will be very glad to get my boring little existence back where I can worry about politicians going off the track.

I met the doctor making his early rounds.  That requires getting to the hospital at 6 ayem.  So when Mother had lunch ordered and was settled, dozing in and out watching The Price is Right, it seemed a good time for me to make a break for it, and get some quiet revival time for me.  I got back to the hospital about 1, with the mini iron, a tiny pressing board, and walked confidently into Mother’s room to find it empty.  The charge nurse said she’d been moved to CICU.  I was met by nurses wanting me to sign consent to put a port in her neck for aquapheresis.  I called Dana, and neither one of us had the spine to say, “no”  her blood pressure’s dropping, let it go.  The trouble with hospitals is that they have all these ways to deal with very sick patients, and they don’t have many ways to say, “stop, enough already.”  I spoke to Nita today, and she asked about mother’s DNR request.  I certainly knew about that, as did my brothers.  but it’s not a “don’t treat,”  it’s don’t resusitate. 

They finally got mother’s blood thinned out to the point they could run it though the machine to pull some quarts of liquid out of her.  That was just starting, her blood pressure was up to something like 85/50 and she was dozing when I left.  They said the treatment on the machine would take something like 24+ hours, so I’ll know where to look for her when I get back to hospital in the morning.  I’ve done a lot of praying today.  I had a very odd dream last night which pointed to the coming commotion of the day.  When I was driving up Yale to return to the hospital, I was stopped behind a car turning left, and BOOM!  a car plowed into the car behind me.  Somehow my life seems to be full of automotive and medical near misses righ now.  So I’ll put it to bed and see what I can dream up tonight.  Have to get up early enough to get cleaned up before heading out to the hospital.  I need to get more exercise, yet I’m terribly tired.  Go figure?